Holidays

Frohes Neues Jahr! Happy new year!

I am so glad I flew back to the States for the holidays. The time spent with my loved ones was much needed. In addition, my brain got to take a break from German and relax.

Traveling back and forth between countries has shown me that the body and mind are shockingly adaptable. When I flew to the States, life felt strange for the first couple of days, but after that, it felt as though I’d never left. The last four months quickly faded into memory and everything became normal. Now that I’m back in Germany, everything is just as it was before. My hand found the elevator button without looking. My key instantly found the lock in the dark. The circuits of my brain are producing German again, though a bit slower and clumsier than before. The only major difference I’ve noticed is that people have been responding to my German with English more frequently than they did before I left, which makes me think my American accent got thicker over break.

Since returning to Germany, I’ve struggled to fully process my thoughts regarding my time left and my plans for the future. Sometimes, I feel trapped between two worlds, one foot firmly planted in Germany, the other rooted back in the States, leaving me straddled over the Atlantic. If I lose my balance, down into the depths I’ll tumble. The United States is where I lived for the first twenty-two years of my life. Now I’m in Germany, making new connections and creating my own path. While I am happy here, Fulbright is, nevertheless, temporary. I am strongly considering applying for a second year teaching English in Germany and part of me wants to consider longer career opportunities here as well. However, another part of me dearly misses my family, my friends, my partner, my cat, and simply existing in an English-speaking environment. I'm still deciding not just what I might want my future to be, but also where I want it to be. Do I want to consider a future here, away from so many people I love? How much can I settle in when I’ll likely have to uproot everything I’ve built?

Living on my own, an ocean away from those closest to me, is much tougher than I could have anticipated. During college, I was still in the same state and time zone as family and a trip back home was easily possible. Being surrounded by so much love and support during the holidays was wonderful, but it made returning to Germany difficult. It reminded me of what I miss most.